I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
