he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I yelled at your uterus for you.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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