Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
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