Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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