we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
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