I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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