I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
you would pick up someone in the library
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize