You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
