I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
