Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
