Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
