i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
