have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
