guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
