We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
