is wine microwaveable?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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