i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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