I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
