just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
