I want to walk on stilts...naked
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
