grandma shit on top of the toilet
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
