Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
