my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
