She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I just gift wrapped bread.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
