6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Randomize
