how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
