did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
