just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
