the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
