a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
