I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
