Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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