Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
