I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Someone came in the potted fern
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
