I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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