Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
