Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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