Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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