and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
