i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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