I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
