halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
