What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
