The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
