she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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