she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
