somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
