I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
