...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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