I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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