Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
