How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
