So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
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Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
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He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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