oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
